Where oh where has my little life gone?

Sometimes it seems like just days ago. Sometimes it feels like decades ago. In reality, it was somewhere in the middle. Though my life has never been one to be considered dull or bland, I start to wonder where it all went.

I've been back in Canada for a little over a week. I didn't even have the comfortable luxury of taking a break to realign myself with our fair culture. In a mere 18 hours, I made the jump from a hot climate and culture, to a cool climate and culture. (After a month in the Amazon, even Vancouver's record mild winter felt like an Arctic ice storm to me.) I miss Peru more than words can say. It's a different life down there. I live the South American version of my life. People who have seen me live both lives know that there is a Peruvian Jordan and there is a Canadian Jordan. I'd like to be both all the time, but I don't see how that is possible.

For someone who has never fallen in love with the jungle, let alone a third world country, the concept seems odd and foreign. It leaves a residue in the minds of the well-cultured. The concept of giving up a life in the land of opportunity seems misguided at best. Even for those who know me, the concept is difficult to grasp.

I am torn between two worlds. One part of me resides in the land where I was born and raised and love with a passion I cannot describe. The other part in a land I never expected to love, but cannot imagine my life without.

I have no great words of wisdom on how to reconcile these two parts and I am not sure that they even create a whole. There was a day when I thought I knew exactly where I was going and what I wanted and now... I want to go so many places, I want so many things. I wonder if I could have done more or if I could be doing more now. I wonder if I am where I should be or if I've missed the mark completely.

I know that I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings for there are many who share the concept of being torn between two lives. I know that there is an answer and I know that it must be sought.

We are all the same

People are people no matter where you go, no matter what you do. Nationality, race, language, they all become trivial when compared to our humanity. This is a generalization and I use it presently in reference to the church.

Every church has certain types of people. There are the committed ones. These are the first people to show up for anything and everything as well as the last to leave. They are the first to volunteer their time and the last to betray the rest. They give of themselves out of a love for Christ and His Body.

Then there are the benchwarmers. People who show up to church because its the thing to do. They don't really get to know anyone and no one really knows them. They feel good about contributing their presence on Sundays and even drop a few bucks in the offering plate as it passes by. They are contentedly complacent.

There are also the disgruntled. People who are openly unhappy about everything that is said and done in the church, but since there is something wrong with every church, they've decided to stick it out in yours because they'd feel guilty if they left the church altogether.

There are part-timers. People who show up only when they begin to feel guilty about skipping out for a few too many weeks. They'll show up for a week or two, make a couple of generous contributions and when they've eased their troubled hearts, you won't see them for a while.

Sadly, there are also wolves. These are people who appear to be committed, but are actually any of the above in disguise. You won't see them openly complain, they will attend most functions and get involved more than the average member. But in the end, it's the petty things that give them away. One disagreement too many and they're out the door before the second phrase of Amazing Grace.

Oh, that all Christians could be of the committed variety, but we're not. We hurt, we talk, we put on a show and, in the end, the truly committed are few and far between, left to console each other and everyone else in the aftermath when the wolves are brought to light.

The Church hurts in North America. It hurts in China, in Egypt and here, in Peru. All I ask is for prayer for the ministry here. For people who have been hurtn for strength, for wisdom and for peace that passes understanding for evey person involved.
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A slower way of life...

Life in South America cannot even compare to our lives in the North. While life here may appear fast-paced, there is a leniency that does not exist in our North Western culture. If you say you will meet someone at 4:00, its not uncommon to be nearly an hour late. This is not a lie, but merely a different understanding of the concept of time. You get to something when you get to it. If it doesn't get done, there's always tomorrow or the day after. People here do not seem to be put out by tardiness.. They just go with the flow. Even the river here seems to flow a little slower than the one back at home. While the current is just as strong, the pace sets it apart.

The people of this amazing Southern culture are quick to forgive as well as to love. I cannot count how many sweaty cheeks I have kissed, how many damp shoulders I've embraced or how many clammy hands I've shaken. I've greeted many a stanger with a smile and many friends with hugs. I like to say that a personal bubble one may have in North America will pop the moment one lands in Iquitos.

I love this country, this city, this culture, these people.

How Good is God?

Mi dios es muy grande. Here in the Amazon, God moves. The idea of God moving is nothing new. The Lord knows how much we, in North America, talk about it. But how often do we see it? Do we come into the house of God hungry? Do we expect to see great and mighty things? I believe we think we do and we are earnest in our thinking, but I don't believe we are as hungry as we think we are.

At this very moment, I sit in a church with a tin roof, a concrete floor and only two walls. With me sit about 300 women who have come from near and far expecting God to meet them here and to make a difference in their lives. These women are going to change this country. It makes me wonder how quickly we would see revival in our own nations if we truly came to God expectantly. I came here to minister and it never fails - I will leave here feeling like I've taken more than I've given.
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I Am a C, I Am a C-H...

I am a Christian.... At least that's what I've been saying for the last twentysomething years. It seems, though that the older I get, the more questions I have. Shouldn't I be learning more as the years go by? Apparently not. Instead, the more time that passes by, the more I realize I don't know.

In our church home groups, we have been working through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. This week we discussed chapter 5 - "Serving Leftovers to a Holy God". Ouch. Immediately, we all assume that this could not possibly be referring to ourselves. It steps on toes and we don't want it to be our digits crushed beneath the heavy boot of reality. I could be one of many to chose to take offense at some of the things Pastor Chan has to say, but I don't want to be one of those.

***WARNING: Harsh Personal Opinion to Follow***

I personally know several people who "couldn't" finish the book. I have a feeling it's more of a "wouldn't" finish the book. When the cover plainly states "overwhelmed by a relentless God", who wouldn't want to finish the book? It doesn't matter if you agree with everything or not. In fact, if you did agree with everything, I'd wonder how sincere you truly are. So here's the challenge to those of you who are afraid to finish or even start reading the book - do it! I dare you. I dare you to make the choice to change your life. Don't get hung up on the little things, but get stuck on the big thing: GOD IS CHASING YOU! It's overwhelming because it's supposed to be! We aren't supposed to understand it all. We aren't supposed to know it all. To think we ever will is to deceive ourselves, but to stop trying to understand and know it all is to give up completely.

So here's where I am... Honestly. I know that I am saved. I was bought with a price and that price was great. I know that I was fearfully and wonderfully made and my Maker has a plan for me and that plan is good. I know that He loves me more than life because He gave his up for me. But what do I do with that knowledge? I go through my life day by day and never think about it. What an insult that is to a holy God.

I walked to work today. I'd been avoiding the walk for a long time. It takes time and it takes effort. But yet, when I force myself to get up early and do it, it's rather beneficial. I feel better (once the initial pain of long-forgotten exercise has eased), I sleep better and I get that hour and a half of fresh air every day. Here's my added bonus: I get to spend that time with God. I have 45 minutes in the glory of God's handiwork to meditate on Him. I'd be a fool not to take advantage of that, but again, it's forcing myself to do it.

I leave the house with my iPod in hand. Often I'm tempted to listen to a new album, something Spanish and pop-y, some fun jazz, maybe. Instead, I put on worship. I have to force myself to walk and I have to force myself to focus on God. I'm proud to say that this morning, I did. And the amazing part of it all - God met me where I was. All we are required to do is to take that first step toward His presence and God will rush us with wide open arms. He's waiting, go ahead, give it a try!

The Way I See It #76

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitaion. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life." ~ Anne Morriss Starbucks Customer

Of all the things that I think are wrong with society today, I think that a lack of commitment tops the list. People commit only as long as it is convenient for them. Perhaps this ties in to yesterday's post on illiteracy (a.k.a. self-centredness). When a relationship is no longer beneficial or requries too much work, people simply check out. As a result, we have a short-term society.

Our lives are tucked neatly into 30-60 minute segments (dependant on whether your life is a sitcom or prime-time drama). When things get a little uncomfortable, we merely flick a button and change the channel and our lives rush forward in a new direction leaving a whirlwind of broken relationships in our wake.

Husbands no longer feel the need to love their wives and wives no longer honour their husbands. Children do not obey their parents and we all do as we please with no thought at all to those who surround us. We are more apt to commit to a weekly reality tv show than we are to a real, flesh and blood human being. Imagine life if we fought as hard for our relationships as some have played a game to win a million dollars...

Anne Morriss is a genuis. I wish it had been I who'd come up with the quote I started this post with. So many people view commitment as being tied down, unable to be themselves. This is where our view is so incredibly defective. It is when we commit ourselves, not just in part, but in whole, that we are liberated from the old ball and chain, so to speak. If we are committed to a person and that person to us, all fear and hesitancy should dissolve. Too many people are too slow to trust and too quick to think the worst of everything and everyone.

You may think what do I, a single twentysomething, know about commitment? I have never been in a long-term relationship, never been married and have no children. I'd like to call myself a professional observer. In my wait for lifetime commitment in the form of a loving marriage relationship, I have been paying close attention to those relationships around me. I have taken note of things that work and made a point to remember the things that don't. I have concluded that the most satisfying relationships are those where both parties have thrown caution to the wind. This is not running headlong into a relationship with eyes closed! This is entering a union with eyes wide open and clinging to it with body, mind and soul leaving nothing to question. It is when everything is bared and on the table that relationships are most successful. To say, "Here I am, all of me. I want you and all that comes with you. If you look at all this and you still want me, we can make this work." I believe that we would find the world to be happier, more safe and secure if more people would apply this to their relationships rather than trying to build on the illusions of what we perceive those around us want from us.

Here I am, this is me, like it or not! Lay it on the line. Commit! Take a risk and be yourself for once! You may find it oddly satisfying.

The Annoyances of Living in an Illiterate Society

I live in Vancouver. Yes, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada - first world country - and yet, I believe the society around me to be illiterate. Illiterate or outrageously selfish, self-serving and completely ignorant. I give them the benefit of the doubt, chosing to believe the issue a lack of education rather than a choice to live a life of complete narrow-mindedness (is mindedness even a word? If not, I'm sure you get what I mean).

Since I have not blogged in quite some time, I have been pondering several topics trying to come up with something profound, though it seems that all I can come up with are complaints about the world around me. Has the world gone awry or have I gone mad?

I was leaving Wal-Mart with my parents the other day. We walked out the exit. Yes, the exit. The doors that have a giant "OUT" sticker slapped on them right at eye level and "DO NOT ENTER" on the outside. One would think that this would deter people from trying to get in the building through those particular doors. "IN" would usually indicate the entrance. But as we were leaving, a kid came barrelling through the exit with a shopping cart, nearly taking out my knees and ankles with the contraption. Old enough to read, I assumed the poor child was developmentally delayed and could not... Then his mother followed him in. Perhaps she, too, was uneducated and could not read. At least the boy had the good sense to sheepishly say, "whoops" in embarassment at his mistake. The mother had no such reaction. Looking back I wish I had some option to offer the unfortunate family. Perhaps a continuing education course that teaches adults to read, or a tutor for the boy...

This illiteracy goes even further than words, believe it or not. Apparently pictures, too, are difficult to decypher. I would attribute the inability to read these signs to blindness if it weren't for the fact that the signs in question involve parking lots and roadways. If blindess is to blame, we have an even bigger issue on our hands.

I was with my sister and her newborn son and we had planned a day of shopping. We pulled into the mall parking lot and headed to a store which we knew to have "mommy parking" - spots reserved for expectant mothers or parents with small children and marked by signs depicting baby buggies. We found an open mommy spot and took it, though it was not the closest, it was the only one left available. We got out of the car and proceeded to gather our things as well as the baby's. As I hefted the stroller from the trunk, I noticed not one, but two men exit the department store and make beelines for their vehicles - both of which were parked in mommy parking. Again, wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt, I assumed their wives would soon follow them from the store. This was not to be. Both men started their cars and drove off. If their wives and children were indeed in the store, I feel sorry for them having been left behind by their husbands who were in such hurries. I shook my head at them as they drove away and resisted the temptation to shake my fist and holler profanities. I am, after all, a good Christian girl and it would not reflect kindly upon myself or my family to be caught in such vulgar activities. My sister and I continued our shopping appalled at the audacity of those two men who were so rude to steal parking from those who could have actually benefited from those stalls.

My choice to believe illiteracy over ignorance is a choice to save my own sanity. If all these people who cannot read traffic signs, parking signs, store signs are really as selfish as they appear to be, it appears to me that our society is quickly slipping beyond salvation. There is no longer a single thought for fellow man, for the woman on the sidewalk, for the child in the backseat. It would mean that neighbours no longer help each other. It would mean that boy scouts no longer help old ladies to cross a busy street. It would mean that those old ladies would think the worst of any boy scout who makes an offer to help her cross the street. It would mean that we love ourselves more than our neighbours and that we do not love our neighbours as ourselves.